'Why, aged 40, I’m finally happy to be a NoMo (that's a Not Mother)'

Two years ago, when I turned 40, I felt a surge of relief. My exhausting thirties were over.

That agonising decade with the relentless tick of the biological clock (which, apparently, can be sped up via an actual timepiece) was finally behind me.

At 35, if you are single and childless, there is an assumption that, while you may have been wasting time thus far, you might still manage to find a husband and have a baby. But at 40, the fertility window closes in and if the clock hasn't quite struck midnight, it's likely to be very nearly there.

At 40, I was finally able to acknowledge that I wasn’t ever going to be a mother. I cried, I laughed, I talked it through with friends. The life script I’d always taken for granted – that I’d have a family (along with a semi-detached house and large dog) was no longer relevant – through circumstance, rather than choice.

Once I’d begun to make peace with this idea, I felt I could start moving forwards. And I discovered I was far from alone. There were plenty of us so-called ‘NoMos’ (Not Mothers) out there.

According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) one in five women has not had children by 45 and it is predicted that number will soon rise to one in four. (Apart from anything else, who can afford them?)

That is why it's so important that Radio 4 is running a documentary on the subject - Family Without A Child - speaking to women who, for whatever reason, have remained childless. And, it's why I was so pleased to hear Employment Minister Esher McVey admit she didn’t have children because she never met anyone to ‘wind up’ her biological clock. There was no dodging the question on her part; no apology, or admission of some great disservice to mankind. I was equally delighted two years ago when TV historian Lucy Worsley joked she’d been ‘educated out of the reproductive function’.

So, what happened? How did so many modern women end up NoMos? I believe the answer is complex and varied.

Like many women of my generation, I was encouraged to focus on building my professional life first. And, having grown up in a society riddled with divorce, I was reluctant to settle down in my twenties.

On reaching my thirties, I found that many of the men I dated did not want to commit. Some were carrying baggage from their parents’ divorces, while others shied away from the huge financial and emotional commitment of having a family.

Furthermore, I realised that I had an unfortunate design flaw. I wanted to fall deeply in love with the man who fathered my children. Anything less seemed unthinkable. I wasn't prepared to 'settle' - I wanted the fairy tale. Sometimes I wondered whether my desire to have a child simply wasn’t all-consuming enough. I was terrified of ending up a single mother - lonely and impoverished.

Nevertheless, I went through a period of intense grief during my third decade. I remember sitting on my bed at weekends, weeping with despair. How had the life I had always imagined so utterly escaped me? What was the point of my existence? I felt like a rudderless freak within my family and social circles. Interestingly enough, it never occurred to my two childless brothers to feel this kind of shame. Childless men may be viewed with mild scepticism but childless women are vilified. Even the Pope hates us.

In films and story books, NoMos are the wicked stepmothers, evil witches and sad, lonely spinsters. Besides, society is geared towards families – consider the group discounts, the 'sanctity of motherhood', the family TV sitcoms and politicians’ pledges (marriage tax breaks, anyone?)

^{Rachael Lloyd . Photo: Alan Davidson}

On reflection, I hit rock bottom at 37. I had no choice but to surrender to my grief completely. But thankfully, sorrow is simply a process and, over time, it began to lift.

A huge part of my healing process was finding a treasure trove of online literature for women like myself, such as New York-based Melanie Notkin’s inspired ‘savvy auntie’ blogs.

Jody Day’s Gateway Women - a support network for childless women over 35 - was a joyous discovery. Jody (whose marriage failed after repeated attempts to get pregnant) is passionate about helping other childless-by-circumstance women grieve their losses and restructure their lives.

Her book Rocking The Life Unexpected helped ease the burden of what I previously considered to be a major personal failing on my part: the failure to breed.

After the grief, I started to feel anger at the prejudice experienced by childless women. This also helped dissolve my shame.

Today, I am proud to call myself a childless woman – and a spinster at that. I have learnt to embrace my experiences and make the very best of things. I look at the positives: namely freedom and choice.

So I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and start speaking up for myself and my peers. Hopefully, as more childfree women find their voice we will start to reverse the prejudice. So here’s to a new dawn for NoMos – and if you’re one, then welcome aboard.

Radio 4's 'Family Without a Child' is on today at 11am and available to listen again. Join the conversation with Telegraph Wonder Women on Twitter.