When discussing the glass ceiling and the barriers that women face that impede career progression, the discussion rarely examines what role women play in perpetuating negative and limiting beliefs. The self-fulfilling prophecy is the phenomenon that occurs when a person holds a particular belief or idea that later comes to fruition. After hearing continuous narratives about why women are inferior to men, have women internalized these beliefs and do women act and behave unconsciously based on these societal norms? Christy Rutherford believes this is the case. Rutherford, who is a women’s leadership and development expert, keynote speaker, Harvard Business School alumna and best-selling author, sat down to discuss how women can find sponsors at work, the best ways to relationship-build, and how women’s limiting beliefs about their own abilities has hindered their success.
Janice Gassam: You frequently cite the statistic that women in the United States make 80 cents for every dollar that a man makes. What is your perspective on the gender pay gap and what role do you feel women play when it comes to closing the gap?
Christy Rutherford: We’re always told that there’s a disparity, but no one ever tells us how to overcome it. People always quote these statistics and then they talk about how black women make 61 cents compared to white men, but nobody actually tells the women how to overcome it. What happens is, women think that that’s the standard, and they don’t do anything to…close it…if the gap has been around for 20 years and nothing has changed, then we have to actually be the change. One of the things I wanted to talk about with regards to that is…people promote who they know, like, and trust. What I know to be true…is most women don’t take the time to build the necessary relationships…so when it comes down to getting the promotion, men are promoting people that they know, like, and trust. So if they’re going out to play basketball, or play golf, or if they go out for lunch, men are actively building relationships with other men. Women are eating lunch at their desk because they’re focused on driving the results. Women are staying late to work on extra projects, or they’re going home so they’re not building the adequate relationships that it takes to be promoted. It takes two things…results but also…relationships.
Gassam: How do you think women can relationship-build? It seems like in this era, men may be hesitant to foster bonds with women because of the #metoo movement, so how do you think women can build these relationships that really lead to career progression?
Rutherford: Well, they can ask to go to lunch with the guys…they can say ‘hey Joe, can we go to lunch next week?’ or ‘do you mind if we have coffee so we can talk about my progression?’ No one is going to think anything…this is a professional lunch. A lot of women think that men are reluctant so they don’t ask…a lot of women get frustrated because they continue to see men who are less qualified…than them continue to get promoted over them, time and time and time again and it’s because these men have the relationship…if they’re going to hang out [saying] ‘hey do you mind if I join you too?’ We need to be more vocal in building the relationships with the right people.
Gassam: How do you think women can find mentors and sponsors at work? There’s a lot of research that indicates that sponsors in particular are really helpful for women. Having that person that can really advocate for you and your success is really important. How can women go about finding these, especially if you’re one of the only or one of a few women at your company?
Rutherford: One of things about sponsors is…there’s a study that was done that talks about how 90% of women at the executive level had sponsorships…that was a McKinsey study that was done. So if the women who are the senior leaders in Fortune 500 companies, 90% of them had sponsors then how can a woman expect to be successful if they’re not following the roadmap of demonstrated success? In my career I had 13 mentors...everybody thinks that mentorship has to be this formalized process with paperwork…when I saw someone that had the results that I desired, I requested that they be my mentor. Now my first mentor called me because I was getting into trouble when I was younger…and he was a leader…it was informal…he would just call to check in on me not knowing that I was building a mentorship relationship…when you have somebody that’s two to three levels above you, they can see the issue at a different level and they can navigate and guide you…if you have somebody that has the results that you desire and has the success you desire…you can formally ask them ‘will you be my mentor?’ There is a responsibility that goes along with being a person’s mentor…if you want me to mentor you…I would give them a task to do…if I tell you to read How to Win Friends and Influence People and the next time we meet, you haven’t read that book, I’m not talking to you because you’re not ready for the type of mentorship…if they take the time to give you insight and advice, they want to know [that] you’re actually going to take it…
Gassam: What are your thoughts on the role of mindset, self-esteem and self-efficacy when it comes to women’s career progression?
Rutherford: One of the things that’s interesting about women [is]…a lot of highly successful women don’t really know when they’ve won…because they’re carrying the baggage from the past or they’re carrying the negative voice of what people have said to them. ‘You should be happy with what you have.’ These are the things that women are told. Men aren’t told this…it affects how you see yourself. I talk to so many rock star winning women who don’t know they’ve won because they’re playing the old script again and again and again in their minds. So there’s a huge gap between who they are professionally and how they feel about themselves personally. And that gap is where the self-esteem and self-efficacy comes in, with how they see themselves and how they feel about their value…so regardless of what position you have, if you don’t personally own your awesomeness, and your greatness and be able to articulate it…you’re gonna ask for less or you’re not gonna ask for the promotion or raise…or when you do ask, you’re not gonna ask for it at your true value.
Gassam: You’ve worked with a lot of women so could you share what some of the biggest barriers are when it comes to women’s career progression?
Rutherford: Exhaustion…overwhelm…not having a clear vision of where they are right now and where they want to be…not having the ability to articulate their value to an organization…not having the ability to articulate where they want to be in five years…not having the ability to articulate why they think they deserve a promotion…not having great habits when it comes to…managing their stress, managing their weight…and building effective relationships…it’s not just one thing. There are layers that go to this…most women are tired and exhausted…it’s hard to have a clear vision of where you’re going when you’re trapped in where you are. So one of the things I recommend for my clients…the first thing I have my clients do is start to meditate every day for five minutes…the second thing, work out three days a week for 30 minutes…the third thing, don’t eat at your desk for one to two days a week…fourth, leave work on time…one day a week…and then start to monitor how much sleep are you getting…these are very, very simple things, but for high-achieving women, these are impossible. But once women are able to do these things…then they become better leaders, they actually get the promotions and raises that they desire, they become better moms, they become better wives, they become better people…one thing that women do is they don’t give themselves permission to take care of themselves.
Gassam: Do you think these feelings of exhaustion are attributed to real or imagined societal pressures or the pressures that women put on themselves?
Rutherford: We want to be valued, we want to be needed, we want to be seen, so we start to take on all these tasks and roles…we do the extra stuff…not only do we do our jobs but we do the outside tasks…we try to get the attention of the senior leaders…we want people to like us so we say ‘yes’…as we ascend in leadership, what happens is we become accustomed to being needed, and we like to be needed…and we’re people pleasers…as women…we don’t like to say ‘no’ because we don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings…you have increased responsibilities at work, you can have a family at home…you have a larger budget…now you’re expected to mentor and coach other people…so the goal is to get clarity around what’s no longer serving me? Where am I spending my time that’s no longer giving me a return on my investment? To get to the next level it’s not about doing more but about doing less. We’re doing too much and that’s creating the overwhelm and the exhaustion…where are you giving your time that’s no longer serving you? When somebody calls you to say ‘do you want to take on this extra task?’ and it’s not related to getting promoted in the job…say ‘no’…where are you volunteering your time where you now feel used and abused? Where you could say ‘no?’
Gassam: What are some ways that women can better celebrate their achievements and overcome these feelings of fear of being too braggadocios? Women don’t celebrate their achievements as much as men do, so how can women become better at this?
Rutherford: One of the things I have my clients do is I have them stand in front of their ‘I love me’ wall, and the ‘I love me’ wall is typically where…you have all your awards displayed…because we don’t want to be braggadocios, we’ll win, but then when people don’t celebrate us, we don’t celebrate us ourselves…what’s the point of winning if you can’t even celebrate? So I have them take [their awards] out of the box, stand in their Wonder Woman pose and connect with the name that’s engraved on that award…so now you’re starting to own the energy of what you’ve achieved and now you can actually see your value…you can’t see your value if your award is in a box…how can you own your value, if you’re not able to adequately celebrate your accomplishment that you were given? Celebrate yourself. If no one will celebrate you, you can celebrate you…when you own that space and celebrate it, then you’re more likely to ask for that raise or that promotion that you desire.
This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
