A Mother Gives Up the (Wine) Bottle

By Lisa Belkin

Stephanie Wilder-Taylor is the mother of three daughters — 16-month-old twins and a 4-year-old. She is a blogger, both on her own site, Baby on Bored, and on Mommytrackd.com, where she writes a column called “Make Mine a Double, Tales of Twins and Tequila.”

She is also the author of three books, “Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay,” “Naptime is the New Happy Hour” and the soon to be published “It’s Not Me, It’s You: Subjective Recollections of a Terminally Optimistic, Chronically Sarcastic, Occasionally Inebriated Woman.”

You are beginning to see a pattern here? Wilder-Taylor likes to drink. She likes it too much.

Yesterday on MommyTrack’d she wrote a brutally honest essay about her problems with alcohol. By going public, she says, she hopes to rally strangers round to keep her sober.

She is doing this, she wrote, for her children. But that means facing the fact that the stress and tedium of being a mother is part of what keeps leading her back to the bottle in the first place:

I drank often when Elby was a baby to help deal with the stress of a new infant. I found myself drinking more than I had before I became a parent and I drank with other moms to bond and unwind (yes, I’m the cocktail play date mom and I stand by it being a healthy thing to do in moderation, in walking distance, if you’re not me). Before I got pregnant with the twins I had pretty much stopped drinking because I felt it was becoming a habit so when I was pregnant, it was extremely easy not to drink. But when the twins were born and I was home and my milk was dried up and postpartum was setting in, the simplest thing to do seemed to be to have a glass of wine.

It was only too darn easy to fall back into the pattern (especially once the babies started having a regular bedtime) of having my wine every night. For some people I’m sure this is a nice thing, a tribunal thing (a drink at the end of the day with their spouse or friends). For others it might be a once in awhile treat to go out and have a couple of cocktails. For me, it’s become a nightly compulsion and I’m outing myself to you; all of you: I have a problem.

I quit on Friday, May 22nd.

I’m scared, of course, to put this out there. I’m also scared of not having alcohol as a crutch to relax at night. I’m scared I’ll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they’ll wake up, wondering if Sadie’s puked or if Mattie’s too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today. I’m scared to have nothing to numb that ever present worry and my circular thinking. I’m afraid of always having to listen to myself think.

But I’m more scared that my consumption of alcohol will consume my life and I can’t afford that. I need to be present for my husband in the evening; I need to be fully reliable for all three of my children at all times and, for me, if I’m 100% honest with myself, I can’t do that if I drink.

You can read the entire essay here. (Salty language warning.) And yes, she plans to take the word “tequila” out of the title of her column. But not quite yet.

Comments are no longer being accepted.

Katherine June 3, 2009 · 4:23 pm

I had the opposite experience. Having kids has made me almost become a teetotaler. I simply became too sleep-deprived to drink much — after 1 glass of wine I would be too sleepy to deal with my infant. And then, once my kids were sleeping through the night, my tolerance for alcohol was so low that one drink made me tipsy! Now I drink only if I know I don’t have to manage bedtime for the preschool set.

as June 3, 2009 · 4:31 pm

I admire her courage in putting this out for all to read. I’m sure this will invite the kind of scrutiny into her and her children’s lives that most people would do anything to avoid, particularly if they did have a drinking problem, so this is quite daring. Best wishes to her.

This may sound narrow-minded, but one thing I can’t help but notice is that her set of activities seems to revolve around her kids. Even the thing she does when not actively taking care of kids (writing) is all about her role and responsibility as a mother. I wonder if that sort of a narrow, navel-gazing focus on life adds to the difficulty in avoiding compulsions like drinking. This isn’t to say that alcoholics don’t have a biological addiction, but if the anxiety involved in motherhood makes one more susceptible to the compulsion for drink, would having daily or periodic escapes from motherhood (i.e. totally different kind of work that has nothing to do w/ parenting, a set of friends and hobbies not based upon motherhood linkages, etc) be helpful? I sometimes wonder if the total immersion in motherhood (full time care of the kids, blogging about the kids, only associating with other new mothers, only reading and discussing baby-related topics) that I see some women engage in adds to the pressures in their lives and makes it more difficult for them to find balance and perspective. For most women, it probably works out Ok. But for some women, I suspect that loss of perspective and loss of connection with the rest of the world makes handling compulsions or addictions a bit harder.

H June 3, 2009 · 5:11 pm

I wish Stephanie everything she needs to stay her course. The song about “mother’s little helper” made a ton more sense to me once my kids came along!

Baltimore Laura June 3, 2009 · 5:50 pm

Oh, my. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOL!! The second-to-last paragraph had me transfixed: why is motherhood so filled with overwhelming anxiety? “I’m scared I’ll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they’ll wake up, wondering if Sadie’s puked or if Mattie’s too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today.” ??? Really? I’d be driven to drink, too, if this was what life was like sober. I mean, BTDT, know those fears, know that anxiety — but it’s supposed to get better over time.

Motherhood should NOT be about white-knuckling your way through another day, with or without a crutch. And getting rid of the drinking isn’t going to solve anything when drinking is just the symptom, not the problem. Please, please, please, see a doctor and/or therapist. There are biochemical issues that can lead to these sorts of thoughts — things like anxiety disorders, OCD, PPD — and pregnancy and childbirth can bring them on or make them a LOT worse. The fact that she could apparently quit very easily once the first hit @ 2-2 1/2 makes me question this assumption of alcoholism/addiction, and much more suspicious of a biochemical relationship to the pregnancy.

Crimson Wife June 3, 2009 · 7:04 pm

Gee, here is proof that some members of the proud-to-be-a-quote-unquote “bad mommy” club celebrated in Ms. Belkin’s magazine piece really DO have serious problems after all. Forgive me for being less than shocked if you know what I mean…

James G June 3, 2009 · 7:23 pm

“Oh, my. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOL!! The second-to-last paragraph had me transfixed: why is motherhood so filled with overwhelming anxiety? “I’m scared I’ll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they’ll wake up, wondering if Sadie’s puked or if Mattie’s too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today.” ??? Really? I’d be driven to drink, too, if this was what life was like sober. I mean, BTDT, know those fears, know that anxiety — but it’s supposed to get better over time.”

Wow, Laura…thank you. I was wondering if my being a man made me think that. This woman has a lot more problems than alcohol; did she even want kids in the first place? Does she resent taking care of something so important, so she drinks to make it seem like an overwhelming task?

Again, thank you, Laura. Stephanie Wilder-Taylor (hyphenated last name…ech) is an alcoholic, and if she had not had kids, this article would be about her husband, or her neighbors, or her goldfish.

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.

kley June 3, 2009 · 8:18 pm

I think it would be helpful for James G to refrain from judging until he has gone through three pregnancies, three labor and deliveries, three infants, breast-feeding and sleep deprivation, and all of the life changes of motherhood, all in a world that’s still made for men.

Stephanie, thanks for your intrepidness and grace.

me June 3, 2009 · 8:31 pm

Ignoring James G, I’m with poster #2 “as” on this one … get away from the ‘mommy-centric’ world you’ve created and try to find your own voice again.

For some families a SAHM is a great thing — for many (like mine!) it would be a disaster. Like many moms who work outside the home, I love my kids, but the sanity check I get from working really keeps me going. The thought of limiting my world to moms, kids and blogging about the same is too painful to consider!

sharon June 3, 2009 · 8:37 pm

Stephanie, when you talk about needing to be there for your husband and your kids, you neglect the most important person: you. You need to be present for yourself. You will never be present for your family if you leave yourself out. Do it for you.

Julia June 3, 2009 · 8:41 pm

Hmmm. Irony! I read this with my third glass of nice cold Reisling in hand, listening to the sound of my husband reading Babar to my 3 year old son as he puts him to bed, after a long day of my single-handedly wrangling the boy from one tantrum to another, including excellent bouts of him shrieking in my face. Not an excuse for that third glass, but damn if that doesn’t make it feel better.

That said, the essay was a good cautionary tale and an important reminder that I cannot do this every, or even most, nights. Cheers!

s. gibbons June 3, 2009 · 8:46 pm

Even had James gone through three pregnancies, he wouldn’t have gone through her three pregnancies and so still wouldn’t be able to judge. None of us can. Maybe only those closest to her (probably not commenting on a NY Times site) can even offer real insight.

I think that the real thing to be gained here is that we each just need support doing what we think is best for ourselves and our families. I admire Stephanie for asking for that support. I do hope that whatever the cause of her troubles, though, she seeks help. I am a strong believer that we could all benefit from a little therapy from time to time.

Elise June 3, 2009 · 8:52 pm

Sheesh, give this woman a break, James G!

Good for Stephanie for being so self-aware and having the courage to lose a crutch that could harm her and her family.

Ken W June 3, 2009 · 8:52 pm

Dear Stephanie,

You have reached a brave new beginning.

I drank for 40 years. Lost work, jobs, days, family, touch and, partly, my mind. Alcohol fuels the grandiose, ariose and mellifluous. It enslaves so insidiously. It warps both mind and reality. In the end it kills heartlessly.

You were born with a genetic omission. So was I. We simply cannot and will not drink like normal people.

It is like sugar to the diabetic. Except we will never be able to control or regulate it.

What is it like living life sober?

It is simply grand. Once I understood that drink is death on the installment plan — why bother?

Dreadfully feared I would sorely miss it.

Ha! It turns out opposite. Live has become amazingly nuanced, beautiful and enchanting.

Do I miss it?

Nope. Now I wonder how I could have been such a fool, so self-deluded.

It’s so much mo’ bettah on this side.

Best wishes for a fab future. It’s so worth the struggle.

Ken W

not a mom … yet June 3, 2009 · 9:04 pm

“Gee, here is proof that some members of the proud-to-be-a-quote-unquote “bad mommy” club celebrated in Ms. Belkin’s magazine piece really DO have serious problems after all. Forgive me for being less than shocked if you know what I mean…”

*some*, yes. But it is the same “some” as any other population of drinkers. As with anyone who chooses to drink, the most important aspect is doing so responsibly, and moms should not draw any more ire for choosing to drink than anyone else. There are always those who can’t handle it, but let’s give the vast majority of responsible drinkers the benefit of the doubt and allow them a glass or wine without judgment or condescension.

Jango June 3, 2009 · 9:09 pm

Oh I can relate. I just put down the wine myself. I can drink one vodka and soda once a week but I seem to have very little control when drinking wine. I stopped 3 weeks ago and I’ve already lost 6lbs.

Life’s hard and it’s tempting to take the edge off all the time, but sometimes you just need to be able to deal with feeling rotten or sad. Ultimately, drinking left me sleep deprived, grouchy and overweight. Here’s to moderation, going forward….which, for me, means no more wine.

Eliza June 3, 2009 · 9:12 pm

I really applaud her courage in coming forward. Having read some of her writings and others like them, a little voice has said, “It’ may be chic to self-identify as a mom who parties, but this woman has a drinking problem and needs to address it.” I’ve seen firsthand the path of destruction that an alcoholic parent can create in a family, and it isn’t pretty. Yes, she owes it to her kids to get sober, but she herself will reap the benefits when they are still speaking to her in 20 years.

No Higher Power, You Cultist June 3, 2009 · 9:20 pm

Hey Ken W, just for that, I’m going to have a Bacardi and Coke. Thanks for the inspiration.

Mike O June 3, 2009 · 9:23 pm

Self-promotion is as much a problem for Stephanie as any Chardonnay. Ween yourself from your validation addiction and find real friends (not Amazon.com browsers and NYT readers) to help you through what should be a personal struggle.

hb June 3, 2009 · 9:24 pm

nice post, ken. thank you. :)

Gruf June 3, 2009 · 9:56 pm

Mike O said it all..

Bernadette Noll June 4, 2009 · 12:47 am

I think when we can sit in the anxiety or the fear or the anger or the sadness or whatever feeling it is, sit in it and really feel it, we can burn it off a little quicker and disempower it a bit. I wish you strength and a good group of supportive friends who can help you find what you need.

//www.bernadettenoll.blogspot.com

Abbi June 4, 2009 · 7:53 am

I agree with the previous posters. This is not about alcoholism. This is about a warped attitude towards parenting and kids. She needs to get to a therapist and get a job. She is clearly not cut out for SAHMing.

Mom of four June 4, 2009 · 8:14 am

I sympathize with wanting to have that drink to take the edge off the parenting day. Being a parent is a ton of work and responsibility. It’s also pretty lonely most of the time. (and drinking can be just fabulous…)

One thing that has kept me “in check” has been fear–what would happen if I had to talk to an emergency room doctor, or handle some other kind of parenting crisis moment, after having a few drinks? It’s harsh, but you can’t call for a do-over after a bad moment. The only way to be effective is to face it–sober.

Jackie June 4, 2009 · 9:33 am

In terms of relaxation at the end of the day, I listen to a hypnosis script every night before bed — //www.hypnosisdownloads.com. They don’t hypnotize you (or me, at least) and are relaxation exercises with some positive words about the specific topic of the download. Also, the (entirely male) narrators have really sexy British voices! I highly recommend them; I sleep much better after I listen to them.

Cheryl June 4, 2009 · 9:38 am

While admitting I know absolutely nothing about this woman’s particular situation, I found myself wondering about her marraige. The thing about having a glass of wine or two or three at night after putting the kids to bed is that it doesn’t inconvenience anyone else.

On the other hand, choosing more healthy recreation sometimes requires assistance. She might actually have to say to her husband: “I need to unwind, so I’m going to the gym/yoga class/thelibrary/a movie. Can you handle things at home?” The healthy option costs more and requires that someone else be on board to support your healthy choices.

I had 3 kids under 4 years old at one point, and my husband freaked out at the thought of watching more than one of them at a time, and refused to take all three out in public together alone until the youngest was 3. (Yeah, I know. He wasn’t a great guy when we had little ones.) I could see how in a situation like that, choosing to have a glass of wine at one’s computer alone would be much easier than organizing twice weekly childcare so you could go jogging. Just saying . .